The Greatest Mom in the World

Sorry again for being away for so long. This time it is for a very different reason. I had been stalling on finishing my previous post for some time becuase I knew that this would be the next one. After three months, I was able to start this post, but a month and a half later, I am still drudging through a thousand emotions trying to figure out where I am in life. I have no idea what to say. I so badly want to skip this part, but this is my life and my mom never skipped over anyone or anything. I owe it to her to finish this so my OCD self can move on to where I can get back to sharing all the wonderful things that have happened since she passed. There have been so many wonderful things, but so many tears too. I am still angry a lot that she is not with us. She did so much in the time she was here. I can say that I know my mom knew how I felt about her and I knew how she loved me and my family. We had a wonderful relationship and I am so greatful that we always took the time to make sure we each knew that.

I still can't believe that any of it happened. The day after Mother's Day was a busy day, but started off and was looking like it would end just like any other day. I worked, met the family at gymnastics class, we had dinner, then just after the kids were in bed, I got the worst call ever that I will remember forever. My sister called me from my mom's phone and all she could manage to get out was, Mom is dead you need to get home. I fell to the floor and the rest is a blur. I somehow managed to get calls in to my work and Madison called my Aunt Sherry and Uncle Tommy to let them know. I called my brother Aaron and he had gotten a similar call from my sister. We had no idea what or how. Later we found out my mom collapsed as she was making her way to the bed to watch a television show, from what we now know was a fatal heart attack. She never had chest pain or shortness of breath. No symptoms that pointed to a heart attack.  She had no idea she had any sort of coronary artery disease. Then, out of the blue......she's gone.

I made it back home by the morning, thanks to my Uncle Tommy and Aunt Sherry who drove all night to get me there. Madison followed a couple of hours behind with the girls because he had to repack our half unpacked suitcases from our Albuquerque trip. It was surreal walking into the house. Mom wasn't there, but that was ok, she was probably just at work.....right? Funny how your mind does things to protect you. Lots of love, hugs, and tears, food and family, we managed to carry out mom's wishes which thankfully with the passing of her father just three months earlier, she had made known to my Dad.

Mom was cremated and we took her ashes to Grand Isle to spread at sea. It was one of the most peaceful things I've ever done. She was so claustrophobic and setting her free like that just felt so right. She was so much to so many people that it was like we set her free to be with everyone. She had an amazing ability to be so ordinary, yet bring out the extraordinary in everything and everyone she touched. She made everyone around her look like a superstar. She kept everyone going by giving herself at any moment, at anytime to help you sort through whatever. She divided herself and time among so many of us, yet you always felt like you were her first and only priority. Learning to live without her is such a challenge. I leaned on her so much every day. For a while I wondered if I was even capable of being the same person without her. I consulted her on everything. Even if I knew what I was going to do, I would run it by her just to have her stamp of approval. Who is going to do that for me now? There is no one that could do it like her. Even in everyday mishaps, she had an uncanny ability to always help you to see a situation from all sides. Always helped you to see it from the other person's perspective. She kept me and my hot little head out of a lot of trouble that way. I hope I can be as considerate a person on my own without her daily guidance.

So where am I now???? Still confused, sad, a little angry. A new idea I am finally wrapping my head around is the fact that I am somehow upset about her not being here.....but for what? The life I thought she should have? What I had planned? But it isn't about MY plan....it is GOD's plan. She was never supposed to be here right now. I was not supposed to have her to run things by for the next 20 years. She lived out God's plan just as she should have. Just because I think I know what the future holds, doesn't mean it is going to play out that way. I don't know, only God knows. I can't continue to be sad about missing out on something that was never written. She lived and she loved....boy did she love. How wonderfully she loved. But that is ok. We that are still here can still love, and we should love. I have so many wonderful people who are here with me still. That IS God's plan. I am blessed with the wonderful life I have. I can not miss out on any of it. I don't want any of you to miss out on any of it, so I am hoping that after this post I can continue to share with everyone the wonderful family and friends I have.

My mom was the best person I know. I love her still and I know she loves us still, just differently now, but different doesn't have to be bad. Family gatherings forever forward will be different, but I am going to try to see them for how wonderful they are and not judge them becuase they are not what I thought they would be. I'm sure I will roll through a thousand more emotions about this as time continues. But it will continue and so will I. So will my mom, just differently than I planned. None of this changes the fact that she was and is great. She is amazing and I hope I can find that in me and share it with my children again and again while I am here. I love you Mom. I would love to kiss your face again, but I will for now settle on remembering how your greased up, ready for bed, skin felt on my lips as I kissed you goodnight. I love those memories and hope I have them forever until I see you again.